Releasing control...my 1st biz trip.

It's been a busy February with the CNY gatherings and activities at work kicking off in my 2nd month on the job. Haven't had time and space to update my blog.

Tomorrow, I'm going for my first of several business trips around the region. I spent an hour packing for the 2 days trip, and 4 days preparing myself mentally for the 2 days of separation from my son. Even now, I am not fully adjusted.

Yes missing him is a definite, 120% yes.

However, a thought came to my mind earlier, I should try to enjoy the next 2 evenings of 'break', where I can catchup on my book, watch TV, play iPhone games, as much as I want to. Honestly this has a slight appeal, although it doesn't bring me away from my Mummy separation anxiety totally.

I guess 2 days is just enough for a timeout.

What's more, parting is probably an essential part of parenthood. Like sending sons off to NS or overseas studies, or sending daughters off to marry, or leaving them to my parents' good hands while Glenn and I force ourselves to have couple time, or disciplining the children...all these entail doing what we do not want to do, but know we have to. I might as well start learning to manage such emotions now.

I remember when I was DINK (Double Income No Kids), I was adamant that I will NOT revolve my entire life around my child. I WILL have my golf. I WILL make time for my close friends. I WILL have couple time.

It ain't easy at all. But I think I was right, even in my semi anti-kids days.

What I really need to do now is stop being anxious and just let go. Ian is surrounded by my good care from my parents, my helper, and Glenn. I am releasing them to God's capable Hands. I might as well stay at rest, and make the best of my time off.

Let's see how it goes! Whether I'm ready or not, BKK here I come.....

Parent and management

Time just passes very fast when doing the things we love.... this past week Hubby & I took leave to hang out with our baby, in the absence of my parents. Though we did not plan any family trips in the end, I was still looking forward to doing our nuclear family things....mundane things like swishing around in the pool with baby, roaming shopping centres with baby, trying out eateries with baby.

We managed to cover many to-dos. On our first visit to the zoo in more than 20 years, I eagerly signed us up as members, believing that we will (will we?) be visiting the animals frequently with Ian and cover every show, every feed time, every walk they have to offer. We also tried picnic at Botanic Gardens for half an hour - during which Ian hopped, lunged, shrieked throughout his dinner feed - before Glenn hastily packed us up for home. All 3 of us were tired, sweaty, damp with drizzle, saliva and porridge bits. But tremendously content and looking forward to the next picnic.

I do wonder if perhaps Ian is just at the cute stage now and we have not reached the terror toddler times. And then I remember when I was baby-less, I was also put off by the commitment of having to feed and soothe and care for a baby, and look how different it is actually walking the journey.

It took awhile for me to realise that actually God had already wired in me the things that would make me love parenting, particularly my Input and Learner strengths. Parenting is parallel to management in many ways. Both are unpredictable and requires mental and emotional investment. Often the results you want are not achieved by bulldozing but by flowing through each twist and turn. It calls for creativity to figure out different ways to one goal, patience to sit tight and wait for right timing, courage to go ahead even when the ahead seems challenging, and humility to accept that what you think is not always right, or how it will turn out.

For me, parenting and management require regular doses of God's wisdom and anointing. After > 2 years of personally struggling to be a manager, I recently had a personal revelation that God didn't set me out on this journey of management with a fully equipped toolbox. He didn't (like what I initially thought) zap into me everything I need to be great in my job when I started out, I just had to go back to the toolbox to find the right stuff. Instead, God set me out with barely anything packed. I was to just trust Him that He will be there when I need Him and go forth! If I meet a poisionous snake there (and I have, figuratively speaking), He will dispense something for it. If I run out of water, He will squeeze water even from a rock for me. That is God's way, so I wont have to carry so much baggage the entire journey, and also learn to trust Him for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

I tried this method at work in managing my team, and the results were so much more fulfilling both tangibly in our numbers and intangibly in our relationships. Like they say, a minute of God's favour is worth many hours of labour. In a way, I know God is working through my team to prepare me for parenting and whatever lies ahead.

If this is how God does it, there's nothing for me to do really, except to just flow with and lean on Abba. That is probably why I feel blessed and fulfilled and loving each day I have being Ian's mummy.

Taiwan Without Him

We finally made the decision to go Taiwan....sans baby.

It wasn't an easy one for me to make. Mums constantly feel responsible for their children's well being in every aspect. And Ian always prefers me over everyone else (which I secretly enjoy! Haha) so I feel even more compelled to consider bringing him there. My gynae Dr Ang told me it's worth the trouble cos "you'll have lots of memories of that first trip"....

However for my husband, it was a straightforward decision. It was from one Sunday when we brought Ian to church with us and he couldnt sit still for even half a minute. And another time when we brought Ian to dinner with friends at Seafood Paradise, and he couldnt sit still for even half a minute, where Ian also sucked Glenn's iPhone and where Ian dipped his hand into the mango pudding, spilling half of it and smearing the residue on his clothes. Glenn concluded that Ian will be staying put in Singapore with his grandparents.

Actually, the most important consideration was that I know Ian will be well taken care of for that 3 days. By his doting grandparents, by my responsible helper, and most of all, by God Himself who is the One behind the scenes even when I'm around. This blessed and comprehensive support we have really freed us to go ahead.

Of course, every night we end up missing Ian, scrolling through our iPhones' photo albums and videos from 1st to last. Rarely do I look forward to heading home from a holiday. I kept imagining how Ian will react seeing me after 3 days' absence - will he squeal in delight or will he cry and chide me for leaving him behind?

That night, settling to bed back at home, I spoke into my little darling's ear "Mummy's back home, missed you so much...Muak." The following morning, he awoke to find both of us back on his left and right, snoozing away as usual. He poked at my back till I woke and upon turning around to face him, he just smiled his wide cheeky Mummy-I-love-you smile. He did the same to Glenn.

And thus we were reunited and life immediately went back to our normal and mundane, but tremendously sweet and blessed routine.

Blessed Unions

I can imagine why people are hesitant - no, more like afraid - about getting married, or even getting committed.

A married couple who have gone through so much together, and together went through the joys of parenting 2 or 3 children even, can still end up broken and wrecked at best. At worst, both parties turn against each other and become mortal enemies fighting over custody, money, property.

It is hurting to hear about it, much more experience it.

For singles coming across such examples so often, there is no reason for them to expose themselves to the same vulnerabilities, is there. Why bother if you know the chances of being hurt are high.

For every broken marriage, there is just not enough happy fulfilling ones to balance off. There is not enough perhaps because people expect happy fulfilling marriages to be perfect (which it never will be). Yet if you settle for anything less, you are resigning yourself to second best, and this will also not turn out to be happy or fulfilling.

I can see why there seems to be many more unhappy unions than happy ones. It is easier to label a marriage as failing or mediocre, than to define what is a good marriage. The definitive good marriage is an elusive idea - we do not know, and will also differ, on our definitions of a good marriage - so only a few types of unions make the cut. Whereas a bad marriage is anything that falls outside this niche.

Even the types of marriage considered as "making it" are with the benefit of hindsight, when the couple is in their silver years.

A friend of mine is going through this excruciating experience of divorcing his wife with whom he has parented 3 young children. As a guy, it is possible to bear the inconveniences and financial costs of a divorce. It is possible to move on from the hurt of falling out with someone he was once close as skin with. It is however extremely painful to know that his 3 children is hereon away from him. He cannot always be there for them in their formative years. He cannot have as much influence over them as their mother can. He stands to be cut off from them if their mother does not play fair.

As I listened to his struggles in this area, I kept thinking of any ways to help. I think only God is able.

In fact, only God is able to keep marriages from becoming mediocre, from falling apart. It is otherwise too hard.

Care group

Finally, after a long while, we visited a care group near our place.

No expectations, I was told. Just be open to share & to receive.

The thing I realised about care group this time round is, I now see that it's really about the people. There is a need for care group so that there is a space for different shapes, sizes and patterns of believers to be in, a place where there is acceptance of views & differences, and a place to share and support on a personal level.

In between experiencing this care group & recalling my previous care group, I concluded that the leaders' sincerity & genuine care is a key, followed by the members' earnest sharing. At least for me, the worship need not be fantastic.

There were times of awkward silences waiting for volunteers to share. There were times of shyness. But what nailed it for me was at the end, when we all prayed together - every square, triangle and polka dot one of us - I could feel the one spirit & the power of being members of Christ's body speaking in faith as one.

Yes, that is the thing about care group.

Freedom II

As part of the experiment part 2, my parents brought Ian with them to their church this morning. Hubby & I got to sleep in, take our time to wash up, and if not for time, would have caught our regular breakfast at a coffeeshop.

The entire morning I reminisced about our pre-Ian era where we had the freedom to have nothing to do and to drive around looking at houses and the luxury of eating wherever we felt like it.

For the day, I even didn't miss Ian. I felt slightly guilty that despite all the feelings of attachment & joy with him, my old selfishness would prevail....I pushed those thoughts back.

We deliberately ate at a hawker centre. I was even moderately excited.

Then responsibility set in & I just wanted to head home soonest to spend precious weekend time with my beloved son.

I think I might be going into the next phase of mummyhood - after being so closely attached to the point of wanting to be with Ian all the time - I now appreciate more whatever personal or couple time I have and do not mind as much those moments away from Ian.

Perhaps he is becoming more of a handful so it truly becomes tiring. Or perhaps it's just part of the seperation anxiety phase - only the mummy is coming out of it before the sonny. Or, perhaps (most likely rather), God has just been ministering & speaking through to me that it's really alright, Ian will be well taken care of by Abba Himself.

Just as well, because this boy I love so much will come into his own one day. & us, we are just stewards playing a fine balance between our overwhelming love for him & not allowing this love to become over possession.

Our first date past midnight!

Earlier today, Hubby & I caught the F1 qualifying rounds at the Padang... it was our 2nd year watching it at Padang. I was looking forward not just because I wanted to be part of the action but also because I have an excuse to stay out really late with hubby, to try out if my parents would be able to handle Ian without us around at night.

It didnt matter that this year there wasn't any acts I particularly wanted to catch (like Travis last year, which I couldn't attend). It didn't matter that the Padang grounds were wet and muddy and not like our first year where everyone lounged around on the dry grass. Or that in the end the action was mainly cars zooming past many times making a huge racket and us busy checking our iphones for live updates to read so we would know what's happening.

The date was a good breather as we could take our time to have dinner, walk around slow before and after the event, instead of rushing home as we usually do on our dates. We felt obliged to have supper just to be home as late as we can bear.

The experiment turned out pretty successful! My Dad reported that Ian just woke once at 1am. Although he wailed and looked at our bed (as if looking for us), my Mum only had to feed him 60ml before he went back to sleep. Very coorperative of him. Moves me 1 step closer to deciding to go Taipei without him.

Naturally, we couldn't stop thinking or talking about Ian and even while shopping, wanted to only buy his stuff.

I also saw 2 pregnant ladies hanging out at the party, not caring if they would have to walk alot or if the noise would be too much for their baby inside....I should be more let go for my 2nd baby i guess! In addition we spotted 2 other parents who brought their babies - who were at most 1+ years - to the action. All they had to do was to plonk an oversized set of earcovers and all seem well.

I can't wait to bring Ian to watch F1, or National Day Parade, or golf tournaments and all.